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Beauty In The Darkness

by ElysianSoul

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1.
Fading Light (Intro) 01:24
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2.
Shadow Dancer 04:37
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Burning lights, Body aglow, Lose myself, In the unknown, Dance alone, This empty room, Perfect form, Under the moon. Ribs like knives, Slit into rows, Far below, Deep down it shows, Hate my skin, This life I chose, Happiness, Is an echo. Skin and bone, Dancing in the dark, My heart, My empty soul, Is yours, to have, And to hold, To burn all the energy, Every little calorie. I will be, your shadow dancer, Through the night, I’m working harder, Against the light, We’ll find the answer, To kill the impurity, Change my identity. My shattered fears, They can’t find me here, Inside this room, Within this tomb. While they sleep, My heart it beats, Every breath, Our spirits meet, Love to dance, Only with me, Know someday, We will be free. Skin and bone, Dancing in the dark, My heart, My empty soul, Is yours, to have, And to hold, To burn all the energy, Every little calorie. I will be, your shadow dancer, Through the night, I’m working harder, Against the light, We’ll find the answer, To kill the impurity, Change my identity.
3.
Beauty In The Darkness 06:13
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Strange kind of phantom, Where did you come from? Lighting up the sky, Just like a storm. You’re a thing of beauty, Full of positivity, Lost in a reverie, Just begun. But how can you feel so pretty, When your friends are iddy biddy, And they treat you with such pity, When your back is turned. Let’s show ‘em what we’re made of, Become what they’re afraid of, Caught in this charade, oh Lesson learned. So come and spend a little time, Inside my mind, Where flames of the past, Will reignite, Your fears and your ghosts, Come out to play tonight, Take hold of my hand, And hold it tight. I’m more than a sickness, I’m more than you know, Within this psychosis, Far down below, Under the surface, The bad things go, Deep in the darkness, I’ll hold you close. Thou shall not disobey, Thou shan’t be lead astray, Thou shall not eat no more than one quartered apple everyday, I believe in control, No chaos in my world, I’m perfect and I’ll work real hard and starve real hard to make it work. And I will never tell, This life a living hell, Voices after voices, rushing noises when I feel unwell, Willpower and success, My bones they never rest, Pushing you and pushing me and put my body to the test. Cut my hair and buy new clothes, Take laxatives and overdose, I won’t give up or give in ’til I’m skeletal and comatose, ’Til I can see my bones, Jutting right through my clothes, Kneeling on the bathroom floor, two fingers shoved right down my throat. But I will never lie, But I will always lie, 'Hungry? I’m not hungry, I ate earlier,' my alibi, Thou shall not ever sin, Thou cannot be too thin, Feel the beauty in these words as you slide the knife against your skin. Against your skin. Beauty in the darkness, Beauty in the darkness, You know I’m so heartless, I know how you love this. I can feel your weakness, We can rise above this, Trembling and restless, Give in to the sickness. Thou shall not disobey, Thou shan’t be lead astray, Thou shall not eat no more than one quartered apple everyday, I believe in control, No chaos in my world, I’m perfect and I’ll work real hard and starve real hard to make it work. And I will never tell, This life a living hell, Voices after voices, rushing noises when I feel unwell, Willpower and success, My bones they never rest, Pushing you and pushing me and put my body to the test. So come and spend a little time, Inside my mind, Where flames of the past, Will reignite, Your fears and your ghosts, Come out to play tonight, Take hold of my hand, And hold it tight. I’m more than a sickness, I’m more than you know, Within this psychosis, Far down below, Under the surface, The bad things go, Deep in the darkness, I’ll hold you close. So come and spend a little time, Inside my mind, Where flames of the past, Will reignite. Your fears and your ghosts, Come out to play tonight, Take hold of my hand, And hold it tight.
4.
Cold 05:50
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I’m lost without you. Tell me what to do. Don’t leave me. Cold. Palms against the window pane, Under my gown, my legs they shake. Staring out, into the dawn, The palest sky hangs up above. Tubes are running down my arms, The cold of plastic, on my scars. Fluorescent lights along the ward, So clinical, so pale and gaunt. Feed me up, until I’m sick, But I know I, will fight for this. I’m lost without you. You never really knew me. Tell me what to do. I always lied. Cold. I was always alone. Who am I without you? In this hospital bed, I’m only hours from my death, Prison floors and doors and walls, My life is stale, and cold, and drawn. 'I just want to see you try,' I’ll never eat, never comply. Skeletons in every bed, Screaming voices in my head, Watching me, my every move, Leave this place, no time soon. Watching me, my every move, Leave this place, no time soon.
5.
Dark Thoughts 04:44
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He was, Ashen, ashen, With his pale, sunken face, And he had, Dark thoughts, dark thoughts, Mirrored in his empty gaze. And he was, All alone, so alone, With the nightmares creeping in, But he’s, Screaming, screaming, Just dying to be thin. ‘It must be a phase’, their voices just blur into one, ‘It’s a girl’s disease’, but oh, they couldn’t be more wrong. These dark thoughts, they are my own, I fade away right to my bones, They didn’t help, They couldn’t know, Can’t do this on my own. His body’s, Wasting, wasting, As he’s restricting more and more, He likes the, Feeling, feeling, Of being lighter than before. And he felt, Broken, broken, And didn’t know if he could cope, And he was, Falling, stumbling, With no light at the end of the road. ‘It must be a phase’, their voices just blur into one, ‘It’s a girl’s disease’, but oh, they couldn’t be more wrong. Stoney faces, judging gazes, ‘why can’t you just eat?’ [BOTH] Just 'cause I’m a man, you think my pain is obsolete. Just 'cause he's a man, you think his pain is obsolete. Well these dark thoughts, they are my own, I fade away right to my bones, They'll never help, They’ll never know, I'll do this on my own. ‘It must be a phase’, their voices just blur into one, ‘It’s a girl’s disease’, but oh, they couldn’t be more wrong. These dark thoughts, they are my own, I fade away right to my bones, They didn't help, They couldn't know, Can't do this on my own. He was, Ashen, ashen, And he had, Dark thoughts, dark thoughts, And he was all alone, so alone, But he’s screaming, screaming.
6.
On My Mind 05:40
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It's always on my mind. (KeikoCupcake) And I was like, so proud of myself, 'Cause I was like, this is working, Everything I'm doing is working, And I'm making the right progress... And I was like, so proud of myself... And now I feel like a big failure. I sometimes wonder what it would be like To wake up, and not ever have to think about food... It's just, constantly... It's always on my mind. It's always on my mind. (ElysianSoul) Take me in, Give me one last time, to indulge and sin. Take me in, And in the morning I will start, All over again. Take me in, Give me one last high, before restriction begins. Take me in, And then I promise to be good, from now on, and then, I'll be thin, But for tonight, you and me, We'll take everything. So take me in, For some twisted demon, Living under my skin. (KeikoCupcake) I really feel like, I should punish myself tomorrow, For doing this tonight. I shouldn't eat anything, And I should just, drink water, And exercise for hours. You do so good, And then like, you stumble, And then you just feel like, A giant failure. I'll be better tomorrow, It's always on my mind. (ElysianSoul) Take me in, Give me one last night, to ease my suffering. Take me in, And then I promise to be good, from now on and then, I'll be thin, But for tonight, you and me, We'll take everything. So take me in, For some twisted demon, Living under my skin. 'Cause it's always on my mind, And it's always in my head, Can't stop thinking about food, Thinking what I'm gonna get. Thinking when I'm gonna eat it, And make sure that I'm alone, Gotta swallow all these feelings, And tomorrow I'll atone. I don't know, what I'm doing, I'm so out of control, Cover up the evidence, They'll never know. Punish me tomorrow, For what happens tonight, Give me one last meal, And I'll be alright. (KeikoCupcake) I have to accept, The times that I stumble, And it's only a failure If I give up. (ElysianSoul) 'Cause it's always on my mind, And it's always in my head, Can't stop thinking about food, Thinking what I'm gonna get. Thinking when I'm gonna eat it, And make sure that I'm alone, Gotta swallow all these feelings, And tomorrow I'll atone. I don't know, what I'm doing, I'm so out of control, Cover up the evidence, They'll never know. So punish me tomorrow, For what happens tonight, Give me one last meal, And I'll be alright.
7.
Loving Curse 05:15
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Don’t start off slow and steady, Just jump right in, You gotta starve, if you wanna be thin. So chain your wrists and seal your lips, I’ll be your never-ending store of dietary tips. Take a look at your body, have you no control? Have you no willpower, have you no resolve? I’ll be your best friend, I’ll be your loving curse, You know, pushing me away will only make things worse. Don’t be afraid to isolate yourself, When it’s you and me, you should want no-one else. Pushing you, I’ll push again, It’s for your own good, With me you’ll do so many things that no-one else could. Take skinny to another level, I can show you how, Just follow me, and be true to your vow. I’ll be your best friend, I’ll be your loving curse, Just obey my rules, and nobody gets hurt. When you’ve been to the end, and you’ve braved the storm, Met your fingers in a circle at the tops of your arms, Concave and surreal, What’s your deal? Getting skinnier and skinnier with every meal. They all wish that they were like you, With all those bones, Jutting out and sticking out, And hanging from your clothes. You were born, for this baby, You’re gonna go far, A trick of the light, You’re my beauty in the dark. When I’ve been to the end, and I’ve braved the storm, Met my fingers in a circle at the top of my arm, You know I adore, My emaciated form, I’m sick in the head, With a body so pure. How I’ve longed for this moment, My whole damn life, Sacrificing everything’s, An easy price. They live inside my dreams, Those anorexic words, A hollow silhouette, You’re my loving curse.
8.
So Low 04:29
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So low, I’m so low. Sunlight flows in round the drapes, So close I can breathe it. Reach out with my fingertips, And still, I can’t feel it. Disconnected, From the world, Blankness fills my eyes. People trying to make plans, Better just to lie. I don’t wanna go outside, I don’t wanna live this life, Self-loathing it burns inside, So I keep on, Staring at my bones again, Measuring my waist again, Pinching at my skin again, Feeling something pull again, Carving up my arms again, Craving emptiness again, Won’t stop 'til I’m feeling high. I’m screaming, screaming, Dreaming, scheming, In this hell of mine, Someday, someway, I know, I will change, And lead a normal life. But does anybody really care, Or are they just pretending, Locked up inside these four walls, The darkness is descending. Please don’t keep on asking why, I prefer my darkened sky, Self-loathing it burns inside, Messing with my mind, So I keep on, Staring at my bones again, Measuring my waist again, Pinching at my skin again, Feeling something pull again, Carving up my arms again, Craving emptiness again, Won’t stop ’til I’m feeling high. But I’m so low, I’m so low. I’m so low, Feeling so low. I’m so cold, I’m so cold. Falling below, Just let me go. So low, I’m so low.
9.
The Darkest Star (The Voice of Anorexia) 05:15
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You are the darkest star, We will never be apart, It's a death without remorse, Beautiful fragile corpse. I’ll love you like no other, My significant other, Just let me move in closer, I’m your inner nervosa. My promises are hollow, Let me be the one you follow, Don’t eat, don’t chew, and don’t swallow, A secret only you and I know. Promise darling, stick with me, I’ll be everything you need, If you give in to the greed, Make you vomit ’til you bleed. Darling, let me make a guess, You’ve lost your sense of hope, And you feel that no-one’s there, When you’re struggling to cope. You have this futile strategy, You tell yourself you’re ‘fine’, Well honey, don’t keep trying your way, Let me show you mine. You are the darkest star, We will never be apart, It's a death without remorse, Beautiful fragile corpse. I’ll love you like no other, My significant other, Just let me move in closer, I’m your inner nervosa. Why do you even bother to try, When you know you’re going to fail, My love, if you obey my rules, I’ll see that you prevail. Be cold, be hostile, to your friends, You only need my love, And when they try to bring us down, We can rise above. Cause you are, the darkest star, Within the galaxy of life, Remove the fork and spoon, And all you’re left with is a knife. The knife that juts your shoulder blades, And tears between your bones, Creates the sighing of your ribs, Your face the sallow tones. 'Cause you are the darkest star, We will never be apart, It's a death without remorse, Beautiful fragile corpse. I’ll love you like no other, My significant other, Just let me move in closer, I’m your inner nervosa. You promised me your love, You promised everyday, Instead you made my life run cold, My body waste away. But a promise, is a promise, And now I shall comply, And so I took her final breath, And left her there to die. My promises are hollow, Let me be the one you follow, Don’t eat, don’t chew, and don’t swallow, A secret only you and I know. Promise darling, stick with me, I’ll be everything you need, If you give in to the greed, Make you vomit ’til you bleed.
10.
The Animal Inside 04:44
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In the paling of the dawn, Feel the hum of the earth, Slipping down through your fingers, In a phantom rebirth. Turn to dust, in this room, As I scream through the night, It’s got a hold on my life. Have you ever wondered why, So defensive am I? You patronise me, While your throat it runs dry. I’m no longer blind, See a madness like thunder, And the hunger, so pure in my eyes. You can fall to your knees, You can pray all you like, But this time, I’m breaking free, Like the first lightning strike. There’s a fire in my eyes, And the storm clouds are forming, Keep beating me down, But I see through your disguise. Don’t you know better, To be taunting the wolf, The animal inside, That you’ve pushed and you’ve pulled. Tell me I’m worthless, I’m weak, and I’m stupid, How many times I believed it, So many times I was fooled. Awaken the animal, That’s been caged in my mind, Suppressing my focus, My instinct to survive. Never asked for your friendship, I never asked for your lies, You and I, locking jaws, For the very last time. Don’t you know better, Can’t you see when I’ve won, I’ll force your surrender, And I’ll laugh when I’m done. Prying off icy fingers, One by one, ’Til I’m free from your death grip, ’Til your screams are gone. You can fall to your knees, You can pray all you like, But this time, I’m breaking free, Like the first lightning strike. There’s a fire in my eyes, And the storm clouds are forming, Keep beating me down, As I see through your disguise. Don’t you know better, To be taunting the wolf, The animal inside, That you’ve pushed and you’ve pulled. Tell me I’m worthless, I’m weak, and I’m stupid, How many times I believed it, So many times I was fooled. Don’t have to wait much longer, For this hell to be over, Don’t do it for another, Pick yourself up and recover. When you know that you’re stronger, And you’ll scar yourself no longer, When the voice becomes a stranger, Pick yourself up and recover. When you’re sick of the lies, You wanna take back your life, From the darkness, you’ll rise, With the animal inside.
11.
Rising Dawn (Outro) 02:00
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With the rising dawn we wake, Open your eyes to forge a new way. With everything safe and known at stake, A beautiful darkness, You'll find your way.

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released February 14, 2020

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ElysianSoul England, UK

I am a recovered anorexic and singer/songwriter from the UK. I make music based on the psychological complexities of eating disorders and other mental illnesses, and try to shed light on the darkness of these conditions.

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